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9:09 AM - 02.17.2004 I already miss my Amy. She seems so far away now! Ah, I can't stand it! Moving her this weekend only made me jealous and determined. Jealous because she has her own apartment, and determined because I am determined to get an apartment of my own. Charlie and I had a long talk and we've decided to do so many things that'll in the end, hopefully get us our own place to live. For starters, we're opening a joint checking account and we're going to save every last penny that we can. So by the end of the year, I hope to have a couple month's rent saved up. And then Charlie has decided he'll apply for the police academy (something he's always wanted to do) and also look for another job in the meantime out in Allentown. He's also thinking about selling his Eclipse and getting something that won't kill him with insurance payments. I was first and foremost against selling the Eclipse, but if it's something he's sure about, I won't stop him. So as of right now, it's a new start for us. We have a lot of shit to pull together and I think this will be a strong test of our relationship. so let's hope everything works out. The only thing I am worried about is something that was bound to come up sooner or later... My mom, as most of you know, isn't all there. She's a very depressed woman and well, I just don't know how to explain it. But my Dad was talking to Charlie and me last night saying how he has met someone and if things work out, he'll be moving. He wanted to know how much we would be willing to pay him for rent if he left us the house. The only catch, my mom gets to stay. And that's fine, because I don't want her to go anywhere else. But at this point in my life, and Charlie's... We want to move out and live on our own for awhile. We want to start out new and be independent before taking on any huge responsibilities such as my mother. After a couple of years I'd be willing to move back and take care of her, but for now, I just don't know. I have so much pressure on me right now, and I don't know quite how to handle it. My whole life I was expected to act more mature than I had to be. I grew up faster than any other pre-teen I knew. And here I am, 19 years old feeling like a 35-40 year old woman trying to figure out what to do with my mother. I love her with all of my heart, and I'll be damned if she's going to be alone for the rest of her life. I just wish my Dad was the one stepping up instead of me. *sigh* So yeah, I have a lot to figure out in the next months to come, but until then, I think I'll be alright. And with all that said, I'm off to take a shower. Happy Tuesday.
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